Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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