I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
