i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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