I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
