Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
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I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
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I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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