Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
