okay pat passed out under dana's car
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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