y did u give ur computer a hand job?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
