No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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