Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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