none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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