I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
