So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
