I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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