He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
