At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
