I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
whose ass print is on the piano?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
