I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
