There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
