there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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