Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
