The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
