I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
