I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
