Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
All I want is dick and wine.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
