Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
