Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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