A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
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Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
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I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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