i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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