The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
