I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
