btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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