who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
