I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
