My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
