Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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