You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
