Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
