dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
