and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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