So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
