make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
