Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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