i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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