I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
