Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
