Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
