Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
