mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
