Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
