just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
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Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
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Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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