there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
