dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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