omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
