I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
