The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
