Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
