I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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