Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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