My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize